An Obituary

It is with a mix of sadness and elation that I pass along word that "The Next Guy" is dead at age 65. Guy was a life-force to be reckoned with. Class of '46', who preached that anything was possible, but neglected to add: as long as you let "Next Guy" worry the frayed edges, unfunded portions, unintended consequences, detritus and incongruities, has lost its lifetime's pal.

Now when you toss that fast food bag out the window, not clean up after your Golden Retriever, leave the light on, the seat up, the door open, the perishables out, the garbage overflowing, the spillage on the floor, andonandon, Next Guy will no longer be around to make things right.

The Office of Undone Stuff issued a brief statement saying, "Due to budget cuts, his position will not be filled."

The Party of Personal Responsibility did not return repeated calls for official comment.

Next Guy leaves behind a shitload of half-finished crap, others, who were too busy or important to bother, had bequeathed to him. His Inbox was to be featured on an upcoming episode of HOARDERS. The show's producers said no decision had been made on whether the story would air as scheduled.