Monday's Big News -OR- No Cold Beer For YOU!

"An ordinance expected to pass Monday night will ban 40 ounce bottles of beer and malt liquor, single-serving cans of beer and malt liquor smaller than 24 ounces, cans of beer smaller than 12 ounces, and liquor or wine bottles smaller than 6.4 ounces.

Also, single servings of beer will have to come out of the cooler and remain at room temperature.

Arlington Heights' leaders say the ban is needed because the homeless buy cheap liquor in small bottles, and that harms the quality of life in this Northwest suburb."

Yes folks, ONLY the homeless buy 40s. I trust the "leaders" have done exhaustive research on the purchasing patterns involved. So, if Granny enjoys an occasional cold one, she'll just have to wait for the mountains to turn blue. If she just likes a little nip or sip now and then, to warm and glow a tad; she can just pour from the "economy" size.

But as the liquor store owner states, this is better than the law they REALLY wanted to pass which would have eliminated ANY small container sales. No flask sized allowed. Go Big or Go Home. No potential downsides there for those who buy small to prevent their own inability to say when.

For many this will be a minor inconvenience that will be good for package liquor businesses in Rolling Meadows, Mount Prospect, Palatine, Schaumburg and other nearby suburbs. Have car, will travel. Good news for Oil Company profits too. Every penny helps right?

With a Chicago Winter already making its chilling effects felt, the ROOM TEMPERATURE
obstacle shouldn't pose too high of a hurdle. Next summer's heat indices will no doubt bring new meaning to "Cooling Stations".

In the grander schemes, the Arlington Hts ordinance is a minor blip. Clever types have been outlawing stuff people do in the interest of "quality of life" and community standards forever. One more little finagle in the selective enforcement menu to discomfort the discomfortable is nothing to worry.

Uptight Upright brigadiers will cocoon more easily by the warmth of their gas log fireplaces (with the look of real wood) as they watch "Law and Order" certain that the world around them is going to hell in a handbasket. They'll pour themselves a nice snifter of brandy or shake up a perfect martini and bask in their good fortune and moral superiority.

Local leaders will accept hearty back pats and certificates of civic leadership, pose for photos then adjourn to the bar for a little something to relax. Tomorrow they can address their budget holes and collapsing infrastructure. For tonight, it's all good. A job well done. A potential catastrophe averted and the unwelcome mat firmly placed. Huzzah!